I’m Okay

What I wish I could explain….

You ask if I’m okay. I smile and say “I’m alright.”

But there’s a question in your eyes I don’t know how to answer. I can’t quite capture the spinning thoughts inside my head.

What does it mean to be okay?

I’m still breathing. I’m alive. So, I guess that means I’m okay.

I’m terrified. My chest is tight and it’s hard to breath. My head is spinning with questions I don’t have the courage to think much less ask. I’m overwhelmed by feelings I can’t seem to articulate, even in my thoughts. Except fear and pain and despair. Terror at being alone. Fear at being seen.

The wheels inside my head keep spinning. Spinning so fast I don’t even recognize the individual thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to keep things the same, but I know I can’t continue as is.

I’m alright.

Alive still, today. But tomorrow isn’t a certainty. I wonder if I’ll have the strength to turn away next time? To walk back from the edge? Will I retain enough of me to continue waking up each day?

I’m alright.

But the pain scares me. Memories are like a journey through hell the second time. I feel as if it was a miracle I survived the first time. I’m not always sure I have the strength to do it a second time.

I’m alright.

The difference is I’m not alone in my world anymore. I’ve got a best friend and plans for decades to come. I’m not ready to pass on years of laughter and adventures together.

I’m alright.

I realize there are four precious babies who need a mother’s love. They deserve years of hugs and bedtime cuddles and cupcakes after long days at school.

I’m alright.

I’ve got friends now who reach out and notice the low times. They see me like I was never seen before.

I’m alright.

I know there’s hope again. Even when I can’t see it. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. I know the feelings won’t last, eventually I’ll make it through the maze of despair.

I’m alright, because I’m not alone in the darkness anymore.

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addinggrace

I’m a wife, mother and teacher. Navigating the uncertainties of life with the aid of unending grace.

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