Feelings and sadness

It’s kind of funny (in an odd non-humorous way) I just recently realized my siblings share my tendency to avoid acknowledging feelings. Perhaps I would have realized this earlier in life, if we ever had discussions about emotions. However, as we all avoid those emotional conversations it has somehow never come up in last 30 odd years of conversations together.

Last week we were together at a funeral home for the visitation of a well loved community member. My brother mentioned driving by the cemetery where our Dad was recently buried and being so overcome with sadness that he just started bawling. He was grateful to be alone- at least no clients were witness to the sadness. My sister agreed with him that being alone and able to suppress the emotions before interacting with others was so much easier than being with someone at the time of a breakdown.

But, I have to wonder if maybe there’s a better way.

I’ve certainly always tried to be a positive person in public, but it’s stressful to keep up the facade. I wonder what it would be like if we let our masks slip just a little. What would it be like to be known for who we truly are? Some days, I’m pretty sure what you see in me is what I am. But other days…. I’m afraid I won’t measure up… I’m afraid that the sad feeling inside will last forever….

Realistically, my Dad died about four months ago from cancer. I know in my head this totally fits into normal grief and at some point I’ll recover and heal.

Today though, I just hurt. I miss my Dad. There are so many moments I wish I could tell him about, but he’s gone. So, I tell others. They don’t always get the context, or laugh at the jokes he would have caught in an instant, but I’m trying. I’m trying to find a different path that includes admitting life has an assortment of emotions.

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addinggrace

I’m a wife, mother and teacher. Navigating the uncertainties of life with the aid of unending grace.

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